I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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