Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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