haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
