I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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