If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
