Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
