There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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