i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
