Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
