he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
