Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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