i just wanna soil my oats bro
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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