I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
