at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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