Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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