if i can run in heels then i can drive
my phone needs a breathalizer
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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