porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
