Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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