You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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