So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
