I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
