I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
