Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
