All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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