I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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