Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
