Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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