I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
