dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
