I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
false alarm. still invincible.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
