sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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