dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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