im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
