Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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