you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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