I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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