I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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