did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
