May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
