I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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