so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
