we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
