nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So much rum. So many feels.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
