I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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