I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
