I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
