My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
