Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
