When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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