i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
