So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
