mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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