The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Two words: nipple clamps
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