I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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