guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
