if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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