watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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