I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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